Last Year on Father's Day

This was my journal entry - almost word for word: 

———–

I wrote a letter to my Daddy.

I needed some healing.

I wanted it to feel special so I lit candles and placed a few of his pictures around them.

Sometimes I still can't believe he’s gone - I remember so clearly. Other times I forget - I can’t quite see his face… can’t quite get in touch with it.

So what if I can’t remember his face? His essence is so clear to me. I think that’s how it should be, at least for me. 

I live with his essence. 

Writing the letter I cried. I felt close to him. At the same time it felt forced; I cried because I knew I needed to - because people say that’s what you should do. There’s something numb about that - not exactly what I’m looking for.

I want to feel.

I thought my letter would be long, but it wasn’t.

I thought it would take me all night, but it didn’t.

I’m filled with gratitude for having him as my Dad. I drew fishies on the top of my letter. He liked to fish and this made me feel silly and sweet - like his little girl again. 

I never realized how attached I was to the idea of being Daddy’s little girl.

I took the letter to my hometown.

I cried in the car on the way there. Caio thought it was because he put on a really great song. It wasn’t.

We drove to the cemetery and I asked Caio to leave me. 

It’s my first time here since he passed. We had had no formal burial - my Mom took my brother here one day and arranged for it. It was ‘no big deal.’ But it was. I avoided the visit for 6 years.

I was scared, terrified and anxious. What if I couldn’t handle it? The thoughts were dizzying. 

I saw his stone.

Nothing happened. Numb again…or was I? Was it just not as bad as I thought?

I sat down. I really wanted to. I touched his stone and brushed it off. I checked out his neighbours and saw that they all had flowers. I forgot flowers. So I made a frame with sticks - he’d love that! Rustic.

A distraction from feeling or a sign of honor? 

I cried a little. Cars drove by and the lack of silence surprised me. Defintly not how I pictured it. I thought a cemetery would be peaceful, but the road was busy and people come and go often.

I pulled out my letter. I put it on his stone. I lean back to see how it looks - did it look cared for? I decide yes.

I opened the letter. Fishies!

I smile.

Daughter to Father…

“Hi.”

Tears. Achy throat. I’m reading out loud.

People come and go. I worry that Caio will come back too soon and I look at the road too much. I set the letter down until people leave. 

Leave leave leave. I want to be alone.

…Alone. I finish reading. I cry a little more. I text Caio and ask if he can bring flowers. He can.

With my phone out I take a picture of the grave, the frame (rustic!) and my feet. I did it. I’m here. Accept. Let go. He is at peace. Now I can be too.

Peace peace peace.

“Help me accept where you are. 

Help me feel only what is mine to feel.

Help me release the pain of you leaving the Earth.”

Peace Peace Peace.

It starts here, with me, telling the truth to myself. I needed this. I’m here because I was finally honest with myself. Telling the truth will change a life! My life.

A lady arrives two rows over. She takes out a brush and brushes off a stone, kisses her fingertips and lays her hand on the stone. So sweet. She plucks a dead flower and asks if I’m ok.

I am.

She leaves.

I kiss my fingertips and place them on the stone. It’s cold. I prefer the Earth in front of it. I lay my hand there, close my eyes and send as much love as humanly possible. It feels good. It feels amazing.

I make a fist in the air and give 'props.’ Thank you Dad. You’re amazing. I feel silly for telling the air - and I feel amazing for letting go.

So. Much. Love.

Caio comes. The sun hits the grave stone and I think 'perfect timing.’ He brings the flowers.

“Pink?”

“Because they’re from you.”

I lay some on the left and some on the right.

Looking good.

Caio says “Hi Larry” and I tell him he’s not very talkative.

He’s not there - not under that. He’s everywhere.

Caio goes to the car.

I get up.

I stare.

I smile and I tear.

I’ll be back.

I go check the grave two rows over that received a brush and a kiss. “Forever together” it says, with an empty space next to it.

So. Much. Love.

I feel.

Pick Up Your Shit

While walking my dog last week I had an epiphany.

The walk was no different from any another. We went to the park so Brooklyn could do his business and business was exactly what he did. I grabbed a doggie bag and proceeded to pick it up and throw it out, avoiding the smell as I did so.

It’s then that my big “aha!” moment struck: walking the dog is just like walking through life. I’ll be walking along, enjoying such things as the view, the air and the breeze…and then it happens - shit that is.

The shit will always sit there and stink - it’s guaranteed. If I don’t pick it up, I’ll see it day and day again. It’ll literally be in my way tainting the previous view, air and breeze that I was enjoying. It’ll just sit there… and stink. And sometimes, I even step in it.  I don’t know about you, but I’m so not into life stinking. 

And so, I have to deal with shit. I need to interact with it, pick it up and throw it out to move it out. At times it requires taking a deep breath and jaw clenching strength. 

Straight up, shit stinks and it happens all the time. If I let it sit untouched, it affects me and well, everyone else walking in ‘my park.’ So instead I choose to deal with it and move it out of my way. It’s not my favourite thing when I have to dig for it, but I still do because once it’s dealt with, life’s 'park’ is so much nicer.

What’s stinking up your life?

Life Drawing

image

This illustration by Kathryn Macnaughton is one of my favourite things right now. It’s the ultimate expression of life…

It’s intense.

It’s raw.

It bends me over backwards.

It takes everything I’ve got.

But there’s this bit of light that I hold so closely to that makes everything worth while.

It’s heart opening.

It’s simple.

Or maybe you see this illustration more like my husband does: Life is like a colourful, delicious hotdog - you’ll bend over backwards to get it. ♥

Happy Life, Happy Death

I grew a new freckle last year. 

I decided to watch it for awhile and a few weeks ago, I thought I should show my naturopath. After taking a good look she said, “you should get that checked out. There’s a few colours in it and the borders are slightly irregular.”

“Ok.”

I arranged to see my doctor the next day and within a week, I had an appointment set up with a specialist 2 weeks later.

Within those 2 weeks, I went on the Internet. I Googled “new freckle” and found a matching image to mine; the size, shape and colour were all the same. This freckle on the Internet was melanoma and I was convinced mine was too.

I was crushed. I wanted to have a family and a long life. I wanted to spend years more evolving my teaching and energy healing.

Who knew 2 weeks could go by so slowly?! I was a day ahead and the damn calendar was a day behind. It just couldn’t keep up with me so instead, I had to slow down. I had to feel each crushing moment and continually catch glimpses of my new enemy.

Depression kicked in. I had low energy and didn’t quite know how to go on with my new freckle’s presence. I felt so alone. My husband was supportive saying no matter what, we’d get through this together. But he didn’t have melanoma! He wasn’t going to die! This was my journey.

What were my options? Did I want to go through with chemo (what I assumed would be my treatment), or live my life out doing everything I’ve always wanted? I wasn’t sure. Typical of me, I wanted to do both.

2 weeks crawled by and the time came for me to see the specialist. As if my wait wasn’t long enough, he was running behind and I had to wait another 40 minutes. When my name was finally called, I went in and introduced him to my new freckle. He took his magnifying glass; “let me take a look at this.”

He took a deep breath.

I think I stopped breathing.

“This looks like absolutely nothing,” he said.

I almost kissed him!I was emotional and felt my throat swell. I walked out of his office in a bit of a daze, but with a new perspective: I was going to live. And I did.

…Until the next morning.

My eyes slowly began to open. I saw the light-too bright, and I felt the softness beneath me. I woke up intensely sensitive to everything around me, seeing it, smelling it and hearing it. I pondered the whole event and realized that I’m still dying… and so is everyone else.

The path to death is an equal playing field, cancer or not. Death’s mysterious surprise can come at anytime - and it’s guaranteed to show up. I suddenly felt so alive.

“What the hell am I doing when I’m not making the best of a situation?!” I thought to myself.

I hopped out of bed and took a deep breath that took in my surroundings- and my life. Like any other week, this one brought challenges. As they came up and even sometimes stopped me in my tracks, I compared each challenge to death. The ‘challenge’ quickly switched to a blessing.

I went to my yoga mat and challenged myself. I compared the burning in my thighs, the tightening of my abs and the shake in my upper arms to not being here at all. My challenges became a celebration.

It didn't matter if I wasn’t in the final pose, I was just so happy to be able to try. As Leonardo da Vinci said:

A life well spent brings happy death,

so too, does a yoga practice well played bring about a happy savasana (final pose).

It’s a perfect mirror to my experience of life. If I practice making the best of a challenge on the mat, when I step off the mat, I’m more able to make the best of other challenges. That’s why it’s called a yoga practice.

So now I like to think about death sometimes because it makes me feel really alive.

Why else have we been given the gift of life, other than to live it?

High Five

I say lengthen. You do more than lengthen. You lengthen with all the effort available to you. Your strength is on the rise. Your awareness heightens.

We open our hearts together. The corners of our mouths life skyward. Energy rises.

I feel it.

You feel it.

I say trikonasana. You take the most amazing trikonasana ever. 

The call is too tempting for me to avoid. Inspired by you, I honor your effort in trikonasana with a high-five.

Faith

On New Year’s Eve 2012, I posted about my 96 year old Grandfather. One of the entries, the hardest for me to write actually, was about faith. Writing about his faith had me questioning my own faith and even the word faith. What is faith? What does it pertain to? Can you live happily without faith in anything? Can you be confident without faith in anything? How can one cultivate faith? 

I started asking my friends, teachers, and anyone close to me who had something to say about faith. I asked physicists, psychologists, yogi’s, buddhists and philosophers to name a few. I read books, blogs and articles.

Below is a compilation of what people had to say about faith that I found interesting, challenging and sweet.

In their own words:

What is faith?

• “Faith is a word to explain something that can’t be explained. Similar to how enlightened people have a hard time explaining enlightenment. You have to go beyond knowing and actually experience it yourself, and have faith in order to do so.”

• “Faith is an inner knowing or belief in something or someone.”

• “Faith is simply believing. Whether it’s in yourself, a higher being or some aliens that build pyramids, faith is believing that the uncontrolled in some way, impacts your life. I personally don’t believe in God. I don’t prescribe to any religion because it absolves humans of accountability:

         "I don’t have a job because God has a higher calling for me.”

          No. It’s because you are lazy.

          “My success is because of my faith in God.”

          No, it’s because you worked hard.“

• "A belief in something you cannot quantify; in something truly magical and bigger than anything you can possibly hope (or want) to explain. Faith is pretty magical, it’s what I hold on to when the world doesn’t make sense. It’s the lifeline I reason with when the world around me loses all structure.”

• “Faith is about embracing mystery - belief in the things that cannot be proved. There is a sense of magic to life.”

• “Faith is believing in something that doesn’t exist.”

• “Faith is believing in something that we cannot prove. Either we assume it to be true or we bend/ignore logic to allow ourselves to believe.”

• “Faith is belief in oneself.”

• “Faith is an understanding within you of your core values and place in existence. As human beings we all want to feel like we matter and faith gives us the belief that we do, we have and we will matter. If you have faith (and by this I do not mean religion) then you have a physical and mental feeling that never leaves you. It balances you and gives you the strength to go out and face the world every day - to get back up when it all goes wrong.”

• “Faith is the focus on getting to know yourself, till you dismantle the ego. Distraction from this focus is seducing, that’s why it takes faith, to trust your ability to stay the path.”

• “Faith believes in the energy of life, the energy all around you - which fully encompasses death. Energy, however, doesn’t stop there - it moves on. A physicist will tell you the same - energy doesn’t stop, it just moves. Trusting in the movement of that energy, in whichever direction it moves, to me, is faith.”

• “Faith is trust that life will offer you something new, even if it feels bad, because that darkness always brings light. Similar to how the best art is often created when the artist is going thru hard times.”

• “Faith is the underlying sense of ‘trusting’ in something and knowing that all is, and always will be, well.”

• “Faith, to me, is the act of believing. It’s open to grace: an active engagement with what is, no matter what that might look or feel like.”

• “Faith is the start of a journey that leads to the end of suffering. It is the unwavering belief — whether in God, religion, or your future — that one may experience joy moment to moment. It means embracing your total experience, your senses, your environment, and your neighbors. It means relaxing into the moment and weaving each part of your experience with gratitude, love, and compassion. Faith is unity and happiness. Realize that Heaven is here and now. I believe Heaven resides in each and every one of us. As Jesus Christ said, “the Kingdom of God is within you.” My spiritual journey is about waking up to that.”

• “Faith is working through doubt. Even Jesus doubted God - his own father! on the cross “Why have you forsaken me?”“

• "Faith is prayer and reading the Bible. It’s the only way of getting closer to God.”

• “My Dad used to say ‘you don’t have to go to church to talk to God, you can talk to him on the toilet if you want to!’ and I agree with that. I address this entity as 'the Universe’ because to me that encompasses everything. To me everything is God and vice versa. Faith to me is my belief and understanding of the power and complexity of it all, most of which I can never hope to understand. I also wouldn’t want to. I think the unknown adds to the magic of it all.”

• “It’s being with the Universe as it is. It’s a true spiritual action.”

• “Faith is the ultimate act of creativity. Creativity is believing in possibility in every moment. When there are no more rational solutions, there are always creative solutions. A creative person always believes there’s something more. That’s why it’s called creativity - it goes beyond and finds possibility. Faith = possibility = creativity.”

• “Faith is seeing the true nature of all things and trusting that that true nature will bring possibility.”

• “Faith is liberating. Believing in a world of endless possibility, where you know and feel the whole Universe. Faith is when you know everything is the Universe. When you eat, you eat the Universe. When you love, you love the Universe. That’s faith.”

• “When you look for the purpose of life even after you’ve achieved everything, that’s faith. You’re looking, but you don’t know what you’re looking for. Everybody has that calling of "What am I missing?”. It’s not that their missing anything, it’s that they’re not experiencing the Universe. They’re not experiencing God. Faith is not just believing.. it’s beyond believing and beyond knowing. It’s feeling the Universe and feeling God. It’s living that connection with the Universe and God.“

• "Faith to me is a complicated relationship between trust and introspection. I believe there is a magical order to this world, however we can easily fall out of balance with this order. If we over-think or become too cynical – we override this order. On the flip side, leaving it all up to the ‘world’ or ‘trusting it will all fall in place’ puts you in a position where you are no longer an active player in this order.”

• “Faith is a very personal, deeply held belief that gives a feeling of strength, courage, hope, support and love.”

Characteristics of faith:

• “Faith involves work - figuring out how to hold faith in each situation as you experience it for the first time.”

• “‘Faith’ is often used to anticipate something good that hasn’t yet happened, similar to the word hope. For example, “have faith” or “have hope.””

• “Faith doesn’t come with a set of rules or an outline of what heaven looks like, but it means I’m slowly opening up to the possibility that I don’t need to try and control everything cus it’s outta my goddamn hands.”

• “Faith starts to develop within a person throughout their childhood experiences… depending on the culture, socioeconomic status, race, religion, location… which determines the type of and level of faith they have.”

• “Faith is nourishing. It nourishes our spirit and in turn our body. It is all connected after all.”

• “I find that some people equate faith with religion. In my world faith presents itself all the time, but I am not religious. In my world, faith has no rules, no doctrine to follow. In my world, faith is free and limitless. I believe that faith is both individual and universal. What if we could, without judgment - acknowledge, appreciate and accept that the fundamental principles of faith are the same?”

• “Faith grows stronger in numbers, so when a group of people band together to create a community based on similar ideas of faith, it becomes greatly strengthened. If one has faith only on their own, it can become weakened by ideas from outside friends, family, co-workers. etc. If faith doesn’t have a solid root system (which can take years, or even lifetimes) it can be vulnerable. Skepticism of others can weaken our resolve.”

• “If one has true faith, it becomes part of a person. Like a limb, or an appendage. It is the appendage of the heart-mind and shapes the persona into a solid structure.”

• “I feel the need to prove my faith. Perhaps, that means my faith isn’t all that strong if I feel the need to have it proven. Or perhaps, I want others to feel the immense trust I am feeling but I can’t seem to ‘sell’ them on it without proof.”

• “In order for faith to exist, it requires a viewpoint of evidence that is slanted towards a belief. An individual will experience many rare things in their life: a log that looks like a sea monster, a strange inexplicable feeling, hoaxes, weather balloon, an improbable photo, etc. But when there is an underlying belief, people tend to explain these rare events as related to what they believe in. For anyone who believes or has heard of a UFO, a weather balloon becomes a UFO. Round spots in a photograph can be lensing effects to a photographer or magical orbs for those who want to believe in something more.”

Is it possible to live a fulfilling life without faith?

• “No you can’t live a fulfilled life without faith. Because by accepting faith, you are accepting that there is a percentage of your life that is out of your hands. It’s accepting that life throws uncontrollable curveballs at you and you just have to live with it. Not accepting that is deluding yourself of reality and the harder you try to control the things you can’t, the more miserable and frustrating your life will be. But can you live a fulfilled life without believing in a higher being? Sure.”

• “No. Life has many challenges and without faith or God, it can be unbearable. God gives you a peace and the wonderful promise of eternal life.”

• “I think to have any kind of happy life, you have to have a belief in something. An internal drive, a sense of belonging and a point from where you understand things from. I don’t think that 'belief’ has to be a God though or anything to do with religion. It could be science, family, love, happiness. If you don’t have that then you don’t have meaning and what’s life without a sense of meaning? I think that’s why so many people struggle with depression. I believe they have lost their faith, their understanding of things and it throws them into a spin where they don’t know what to do or how to feel 'right’ again.”

• “Faith in God or faith in self - it’s vital for a sense of purpose and for managing the challenges of our everyday existence.”

• “Fear is a lack of faith, so no, I don’t see how that can be fulfilling. Fear is a powerful motivator to avoid things in life. Imagine living a life without fear of having difficult conversations, without fear of trying something new, without fear to follow your heart. The more we can diminish fear, the more fulfilling life becomes - it allows us to stay in the moment more and appreciate all that is being offered.”

• “At times life can be very difficult but faith can provide a sense of ease, peace, freedom; especially in times of uncertainty or misfortune.”

• “When lacking faith (as most are in our society today), we are often lacking understanding/knowledge.”

• “Without faith there is an empty space that often becomes filled with fear, and doubt. Faith has the power to fill that space with trust, and truth. Faith heals.”

• “Faith is not a necessity for some. There are a good percentage of people who either have low sensitivity (i.e., have minor emotional reactions) and therefore have little emotional need for faith. There are also many who have not had a life experience to awaken them from the day-day bliss of not having to think about their own mortality (or that of the troubles of the world). In either case, they can feel fulfilled by doing what they perceive as worthwhile activities without faith. However, for those who cannot ignore the harsh “reality” of life, faith can feel very good. These are the “seekers” in the world… trying to understand their purpose or the meaning of life itself.”

What does faith pertain to?

• “You can attach it to a religion, you can also attach it to yourself.”

• “Faith is usually used in a religious context.”

• “Faith applies to everything. Work, home, school, gardening, walking, recreation, vacation, wherever you are–these are better with God in your heart. He is always with you if you allow him to be. What a comfort that is!”

• “I think so many people have gotten faith mixed up with religion and rules and a lot of that is because of our constant human need to feel powerful and in control in response to fear. I have never been religious, was never christened and never studied any religious texts but I always feel like I had faith. I always had an innate understanding that there was a power/force that I held respect for and looked to in awe.”

• “I think that it’s different for everyone and we shouldn’t try to put it in to a specific box or quantify it. A person’s individual faith is one of the most (if not the) most important thing in their lives and to try to quantify it is disrespectful in my opinion. Your own views and beliefs should always be respected in those ways. Sadly, they are often not and then we have wars!”

• “For me, faith pertains to what’s being offered to me, in my world, as it is. But I’m not offended if someone else’s faith pertains to something different. I love meeting people with different faith. It’s the connection of hearts thru having faith, that I love most. The differences in what it pertains to is less important than the commonality of simply having faith.”

• “Faith pertains to everything and anything. A favorite story of mine is from Ram Das where he explains that Mararaj-ji would eat from anything, a gold plate or a leaf. Point is that we are all part of this consciousness. Hierarchy is created for the sake of understanding: having faith that you can get dressed in the morning is no less important than having faith you can overcome a great illness or find love. In many ways faith is seeing without this distinction.”

• “Faith in the spiritual or religious sense is the belief in something we cannot prove. Something that makes us feel that “everything will be okay” … enough so that we can continue living with reasonable peace of mind. If we need this faith and don’t find it, we feel that something is missing. U2’s famous lyric, “I still haven’t found what I’m looking for” is a great example of that need to find faith in something more.”

How are faith and confidence similar or different?

• “Confidence IS faith. But then it depends how you define confidence. Confidence can be very superficial in the sense that it’s easy to feign confidence, but how many of us actually have a deep sense of trust? in ourselves? in our inherent goodness? in the tangible value behind our basic needs and desires? That’s faith.”

• “We can cultivate faith in the face of fear, confidence in the face of doubt.”

• “Faith means having (blind) confidence in God or a belief or a person. Hope means having a measure of optimism in something that is to happen.”

• “Faith and confidence aren’t the same. Confidence is understanding yourself and understanding that you’re good and competent at something. Faith would be not knowing how to do something and hoping for the best. Hope is an extension of faith. It’s the positive belief that the uncontrollable will work out in your favor.”

• “Faith, hope, and confidence all point to the same thing. There’s a certain underlying knowingness of our true nature that becomes a catalyst for our journey.”

• “Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.”

• “Confidence and hope in themselves are not faith. Although, confidence and hope are qualities, like trust and introspection, that work together to understand your relationship with faith.”

• “There will be a correlation between a lack of confidence and the need for faith… that feeling that “everything will be okay”. Hope can be a precursor to faith but it is not enough to satisfy the needs of those who need real faith.”

How can faith be cultivated?

• “Fake it till you make it. Don’t take faith as something casual. Have a daily practice.”

• “You can cultivate faith in as much as you can dream. It’s one of those things that I think needs to be curbed by reality. Blind faith is a dangerous thing. It’s gambling. But then again I like gambling. So maybe in ways I do have some faith.”

• “The way to cultivate faith is through direct, experiential insight. All teachings — whether from a teacher, book, podcast, video, etc. — point back to your experience. That’s the purpose of every teaching you hear, to relate it back to you. A good teacher shows you how to look at your own experience, your own life, as your ultimate teacher, which then becomes the source of experiential insight. It’s important to differentiate between intellectual knowing and experiential insight. Experiential insight goes beyond conceptualization. Meditation is an excellent tool to aid in this practice.”

• “We can cultivate faith by working with what we know. I think we need to set the stage for faith to arise naturally rather than work towards building faith - creating the right surroundings for faith to arise on its own. In time we may see that our faith in what we had hoped would be, could be, and is!”

• “The first question is whether we should cultivate it? Millions of people have died through human history because of “faith”. Further, what if there isn’t something more? Should we throw logic to the wind and believe anyway? Is it better to live a life of knowing or a false life of faith? Assuming that there is something more to believe in, gather up evidence and be around people who believe as you do.”

• “I think you must always cultivate faith. I don’t believe in ‘blind faith’ - for me that is not a co-participation in life.”

And…

• “Humans should be quick to realize their own limitations. Millions, possibly billions of people have faith in something that is simply not true (e.g., just going by the fact that there are conflicting beliefs and millions of people on each side). There are stories of religion’s abuse, leaders who lead their followers to mass suicide, etc, etc. Humans are incredibly fallible when it comes to faith.”

• “At first, when learning prayer, I found I couldn’t pray to some white haired, bearded angry guy in the sky; I had no interest in asking that kind of entity anything. Someone tried to teach me the Zen tradition of bowing, but it wasn’t for me. I’m not interested in any entity, person or supernatural that needs me to bow or become smaller. I didn’t need to be less for anybody.”

• “Faith could be an adaptation to help us deal with our level of intelligence (e.g. primates who are smart enough to know they will die). Intelligence itself was a tremendous advantage for our ancestors and instead of evolution selecting less intelligent people to survive, perhaps it selected those who could deal with intelligence by adding faith as an adaptation. The fact is, without some type of faith, life would be rather meaningless. We are born, live out a rather short life, die and then are forgotten with time. It is this awareness that the emotional need for faith stems from.”

• “If the universe is so accidental, why then do we have so much influence over how things turn out? Why do our choices dictate how reality unfolds both at the microscopic level and macroscopic level? Why is the universe so well designed for life? To me… it is like finding an empty can of coke on a lonely beach. We can assume that it was accidentally created by geological processes (which is not impossible) or we can have faith that there is indeed something more. We just don’t understand it all yet… there is certainly more than we can understand today.”

• “Quantum physics is the world of “possibilities”. In fact, it appears from experiments that everything is a possibility until an observer watches. When the observer watches the experiment, it changes from possibilities to something real. Why is an observer important to determine how things work? The nature of the reality we create seems to depend on how we are looking!”

• “The discomforting properties of quantum physics have led to numerous “beliefs” in the science community. Beliefs such as that there are an infinite number of universes, that the universe we see is literally determined (from possibility to reality) by us looking up into the sky and that consciousness itself is somehow linked to the workings of the universe. Quantum physics is about as close to “magic” as you can get. And that magic is somehow related to the observer watching it…. perhaps our consciousness itself.”

• “There is nothing to say about faith. It can’t be defined intellectually, don’t waste your time trying.”

What do you think about faith? Leave a comment!

Advanced Yoga

…Is not about the final pose. Advanced yoga is about knowing what’s right for your body in the moment. That should, and will change repeatedly.

Honor your advances forward or backward because simply recognizing them is an advanced practice.

Humpty Dumpty Enlightens

In lieu of recent happenings in the yoga world, Humpty Dumpty won’t stay out of my head. 

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.

Humpty Dumpy had a big fall.

All the King’s horses and all the King’s men,

Couldn’t put Humpty together again.

I read this to my husband and he asked “why was Humpty Dumpty on the wall in the first place?” At first I didn’t think much of it until a few days later when I read my post Fall Like a Human to him. His response to my post was “Why was Humpty on the wall again?”

Then it dawned on me:

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.

Picture Humpty as the well known leader who sat on a wall pedestal. 

image

(Illustration by the talented Meichen Waxer.)

Really, why was he on the pedestal? I mean, sure Humpty is seemingly very smart (considering the size of his head and all), being able to present and persuade us with ideas we haven't previously encountered. But when did we start allowing Humpty to sit on a pedestal in our minds? Part of me wonders if it began or evolved in Hollywood with the phenomenon of being ‘star struck’. We have this habit of creating a star, idol or guru out of someone whose brilliance wow’s us, but that model of leadership is imperfect and always will be - because Humpty is imperfect and always will be. He’s a regular egg human.

Humpty Dumpty had a big fall.

Of course he did - because he was a too high on the pedestal in the first place. Your Humpty, whomever he or she may be, can’t fall unless you place them on the pedestal first. The key is you - you’re in control. Avoid this by never, ever expecting a god-like Humpty. A good Humpty should help you with this and purposefully illuminate the fact that they’re not perfect - not even close. Even though they’ve got great ideas and have an unprecedented ability to inspire and persuade you, they have their own shit to work through and are indeed working through it. Any Humpty’s without their own regular teacher, coach or psychotherapist isn’t doing the work. Be aware of any Humpty’s who expect you to submit your will or expect you to stop questioning. Be aware if they live up to the name of “Humpty.”

All the Kings horses and all the Kings men,

Couldn’t put Humpty together again.

No one can put Humpty back together, except Humpty himself. It’s in the hands of Humpty to retreat for some inner work to fix the fall from the wall grace. But we, the trusty Humpty followers, don’t get off easy either: if the opportunity for Humpty to fall existed at all, we participated in building the steps up to the pedestal. We need to step back and examine how Humpty made it to the pedestal in our head. How could we expect such a level of excellence? Humpty is an egg human, not a god-like guru.

I’m starting not to like the word guru considering it’s recent uses . “Guru,” stems from Sanskrit with it’s most common definition as “shines light into darkness.” This translation works, if we take it exactly as it is - but we often add a god-like expectation to a very human guru. Bad idea.

In yoga we refer to something called the 'guru principle’ which states that everything and everyone can shine light into your darkness, as long as you’re open to seeing it. It could be anything from your pet fish, to a piece of dirt, to a best friend or parent. This means you’re in control of allowing the lessons, new ideas and the 'light’ to come in from any source. If you’re open to it, you can discover new inspiration in everything. You are your own guru. 

And you’re human… super human (as in, really human). So when you encounter someone with great ideas and the gift of persuasion, stay curious and keep questioning. Be grateful if they’re able to shed light on your darkness, but never mistake them for more than a regular egg human. They may be gifted in one area, but you’re gifted in another. You each take the seat of the teacher in your particular area, but never more than the seat of a human, and never on a wall pedestal.

Harness The Power of Belief

“To believe what you see is only half. What do you do in the dark then?”

Life of Pi

Believe.

What a powerful word. Truly, whenever I hear it, I believe whoever has used it. 

The power behind the word resides in the fact that it’s a choice to believe - it doesn’t just happen. To make that choice, we use effort and time, tallying the pros and cons to evaluate whether we’re up for it. We internally question “can I handle the work that comes with holding that belief?” We tap into our level of dedication; if it’s strong, the belief is ours. It’s the effort behind our belief, that makes the word so powerful.

If it feels right, believe.

If you really believe in something, you’ll use effort to change your path and make it true. Believing harnesses the kind of power that can change your life.

Believe you’ll have your dream job, and you’ll work to get it.

Believe you’ll have a healthy lifestyle, and you’ll make it happen.

Believe you can change your life and you will.

I did.

Join me?

“Love is hard to believe, ask any lover.

Life is hard to believe, ask any scientist.

God is hard to believe, ask any believer.

So then, what is your problem with hard to believe?”

Life of Pi

Photo copyright of Donna Wilding.

Local Inspiration: Jeremy Taylor

I arrived to the yoga studio nice and early that day.

I placed my mat and since I had time, proceeded to warm up. I went thru a few gentle stretches to prepare for the class to come and while doing so, someone placed their mat near me. I glanced up a few moments later and there he was. His aged hands were placed strongly on his mat for an even stronger downward dog. He proceeded to take hold of two blocks that he placed next to his mat and made his way into Hanumansana, also known as the splits. I remember thinking that’s quite the warm up pose. He looked determined…and much older.

This man’s name is Jeremy Taylor and that was my first sighting. I’d see him once in awhile at one of the yoga studios I attend, always in a room full of people much younger than him. Yet, he kept up with us.

In my most recent teacher training program, he was part of our group of trainees. I wanted to know more. I wanted to ask him questions and share his inspiration and determination in hopes that he may also inspire you.

I’m hugely encouraged by older people and the life lessons they carry with them. I love it when I see they have a physical practice of some kind, often found hand in hand with a determination for health and healing. My inspiration started with my Grandfather, who was still playing badminton at the age of 90. I’ve found further inspiration thru Jeremy and his practice. I hope you do as well.

Jeremy and I met on his 74th birthday:

Donna: I find inspiration in you, being 74 years old and attending a yoga class often filled with people much younger.

Most students in these classes are a generation or two younger than I am.

Donna: Does that ever faze you?

It makes me aware of the ageing process and how I can never go back to where I was. It stimulates regrets that I wasn’t more dedicated, or that I actually dropped my practice for years at a time. When I took up my practice again, I wanted to say to students “I used to be able to do that.” I also see people who I figure should be able to do the postures and I wonder why they can’t because they’re so young and flexible. But we all have our limitations and our own path. I used to want to correct people in classes and show them a better way, but I’ve grown out of that. I realized that’s life going on in the student right next to me - I have no reason to interfere with what they’re doing. I’ve learned a lot from figuring out things out on my own.

Donna: Do you ever look at your situation as an inspiration, being in a room filled with young people and all?

Oh yes! I constantly draw on that. I tell people I go to yoga classes where students are two generations younger and usually I keep up. That’s my favourite bravado statement. (laughs). Students regularly say they are inspired by what I can do.

Sometimes I can’t complete a class.  Honouring what my body can and can’t do is beneficial. I don’t get so upset anymore, I’m just happy that I can participate and learn. Some of my own students, who are close to my age, are in such a decrepit state. I feel sad for their condition. It makes me grateful that I practiced enough to give me the abilities I have today.

Donna: Do you have any advice for someone in a class who can’t keep up or who needs to take a long child’s pose?

I would say, ‘do what you can’. I have a student who may be older than I am - very frail. Her body is so stiff that I refrain from assisting her and rely on my ability to explain and demonstrate the pose. When she does a warrior pose her feet are only one step apart, but she loves my classes. That’s an insight for me. When students can hardly do anything, they’re still getting some benefit from the class. They keep coming back! This inspires me to go against the grain and always mention the deeper aspects of yoga.

Donna: Do you think just being in the room is beneficial?

When I’m in a class and sometimes feel overwhelmed, I find my attitude can switch to judging what’s going on, while feeling sorry for myself: my body may be at rest, but sometimes the ego takes over. This is where a compassionate/meditative awareness needs to come in. An early teacher of mine said: “Watch the mind.” Falling behind in a class is a great place for me to observe my self.

Donna: How many times per week do you take a yoga class?

My attendance varies from a class every day, to no classes for days at a time. When I feel a period of development coming on, I go to as many classes as possible. If I’m feeling under the weather, I don’t go at all until that phase passes.

Donna: What brought you to yoga when you first started?

I discovered yoga in Montreal, in 1964 when I overheard someone talking about the Sivananda Yoga Centre, I took to it immediately and it changed my life. A pivotal influence was The Way of Zen by Allan Watts, that I read in 1960. I still remember things like: develop your peripheral vision; it’s the gateway to meditation in action.

Donna: Do you remember the feelings you had when you started and what kept you coming back?

I think I was caught up in the mysticism of it, the stories the swami told - with incense burning and the Indian food cooking. I loved the atmosphere in that place. There was camaraderie and community. I always felt that I was on the front line, doing something enormously beneficial.

My life is something of a mystery to me. Manic depression, now called bi-polar syndrome, entered my life as a teenager. It greatly affected me to the point where I had to have shock treatment and spent some time at a mental hospital. I think the shock treatment wiped out memories, so I only have vague recollections of my earlier life. I remember some dates and places, but have difficulty recalling my feelings, or the context for my decisions. It’s like half of my slide show is missing. Maybe not having all those memories keeps me young!

Donna: Did yoga help the manic depression / bi-polar syndrome?

The bi-polar syndrome while greatly diminished, is still there – it’s part of who I am, but it’s not the debilitating thing it once was. I’m pretty sure yoga is playing a significant part in my present stability.

Donna: You’ve been doing yoga since the 60’s on and off and most recently you started up again. When?

I read an article in Now magazine in 2002 about Bikram yoga. I thought if I ever go back to yoga, that’s where I would go. So the following winter I did. I liked it so much, and I recovered some of what I had been able to do.

Donna: That’s great! What inspires you about yoga?

Having a direct experience, from years of practice, is keeping me on the path. I’m not there for my health or to lose weight. I’m always happy to lose a pound, (laughs) like everybody else, but now it’s the meditation that’s really working for me. The meditative experience is changing my life, and I’m continually applying what I’m realizing to my life and my teaching. The yoga I treasure comes from the awareness of breath.

Donna: How do you stay inspired?

I’m open to any source of inspiration. I have faith that the right thing will come along at the right time. A teacher can drop a hint in passing, not realizing how powerful it can be for the person for whom it is intended. Maturation is a fundamental part of it, too. As I grow, I hear things that perhaps were always said, but perhaps I wasn’t listening because of the level I was at.

I also like to write a page or two for the classes I teach - everything from yoga, meditation, to English as a second language. Writing clarifies my mind. My intuition is supported with clearer thinking - coming out of the new ways I find to restate the obvious.

I’ve always been able to be by myself when I need to - I treasure that.

Donna: When you’re alone, what do you treasure?

When I’m alone, I learn to listen to my inner self. I feel that I’ve benefited from the depression that sometimes comes over me. It’s not pleasant at the time, and there’s always some guilt about appearing to be doing nothing. I’ve come to realize that some unfathomable inner work is going on, that might not happen in a busier life. I trust that when the dark phase passes a window will open with light shining on the next step, and that some new development is about to happen. I consider depression an incubation period of being with my self - not constantly reacting to what I think I should do.

Donna: I get the impression you’ve always done something that you enjoyed for work. What are your thoughts on people working in an area or job they don’t like?

That’s destructive. To me, it’s so debilitating to force yourself to do something you don’t love just for the money. I believe we’re all evolving toward living on a higher level. Everything I’ve done has always been about that. Yoga was always in the background, even if I thought I wasn’t practicing it. Yoga continues to teach me how to be.

Donna: So you find it’s more rewarding to live happier vs. living with the comfort of some extra dollars in your pocket?

Definitely. I’m able to adapt. I can give up things and move into a more austere mode when income is falling off. I’m doing pretty much what I want to do. It’s not always about the money. With a sustainable income, my attention shifts to what my heart desires, rather than what external influences would say I must do.

Donna: Any advice for someone who might be struggling?

Everything is a test.Discover meditation - which leads to self-examination and personal responsibility. It takes only a few minutes a day to create a profound difference. Mindfulness becomes a habit. For example, I employ mindfulness to ride my bike in this city - awareness is very valuable to me.

Donna: Thank you Jeremy! And happy 74th birthday once again.

And I Don't Want To Miss A Thing...

Inspired by a recent teacher training program with Darren Rhodes, I’m now practicing conscious yoga teaching.

It’s not that I wasn’t a conscious teacher before… I just wasn’t conscious enough.

Sure I knew what I was doing, how to raise and lower the energy of the room and how to avoid injuries, but I wasn't totally conscious of everything I say and the potential meaning behind it.

You see, I was encouraged to say certain things while teaching (I’m sure most of us teachers are). It’s not necessarily because those words felt right for me, but because it was right for the style of yoga. Indeed I follow a style of yoga because it feels right for me, but that doesn’t mean I should say something out of habit vs. making it a conscious choice. 

Conscious teaching involves a lot of listening and correcting on the spot, to the point where I’m asking myself why I use words like “lift the leg” vs. “lift your leg.” This may sound nit-picky, but each word has a meaning, and I want my class themes to be a conscious choice, gifted consciously to my students. I don’t want to miss a thing.

With the magnifying glass on my own teaching, I expected to hear a whole lot of “your” and no “the’s”, but when I tuned in, to my surprise, I did use “the” more often.

I had to ask why. Was this on purpose? Is this a technique I’m imploring to help students avoid a sense of ego in their yoga practice? (note: “ego” is used here to reference a person’s sense of self - not over confidence). I sat with it for awhile and pondered both sides. There’s no right answer, except the one that’s right for me.

I found that giving an instruction using “the” followed by the name of a body part, felt a little cold. I could see the benefits from a Classically dual point of view where eradicating the ego is considered a good thing. But for me, for now, my path hasn’t called for that. I sit well with the idea that embodiment (human-ness yo!) is a gift that was meant to be, and with embodiment comes a very human sense of self. I prefer to work with my ‘gift’ instead of eradicate it. Moving forward, I’m changing all instances of “the” in my yoga classes to “your.” Bear with me, it may will take some practice.

Another word I’ve caught myself using is “advanced.” “Advanced” suggests it’s better than another option but realistically, it’s not. What’s truly advanced is knowing what’s right for you at that moment and that will and should, change often.

My focus on conscious teaching has snuck into my life outside the yoga room. Staying conscious is calling me to get closer to my truth and understand why I do what I do and say what I say. It matters. Here’s why:

Take care of your thoughts, because they will become words.

Take care of your words, because they will become actions.

Take care of your actions, because they will become habits.

Take care of your habits, because they will form your character.

Take care of your character, because it will form your destiny.

And your destiny, will be your life.

-Dalai Lama

I really don’t want to miss a thing. What are you missing?

Teachers out there - any thoughts, tips or experiences to share on your teachings?

The Age of Truth

Long before I met Caio I dated a man who claimed to be waiting on divorce papers. I tred carefully knowing that certain things had to settle and heal. We dated for 8 months, vacationed together, I met his friends, and his 2 brothers. According to him, I was even invited to his parent’s house for a BBQ (a night I couldn’t attend). He said his Mother couldn’t wait to meet the woman who made him so happy. Soon after I found a day old picture of himself and his very pregnant wife standing arm in arm… on Facebook.

I ended it immediately. I felt hurt, ashamed, embarrassed and used.

It turns out, I wasn’t the only one (pun intended!) and social networking is being hugely related to relationship problems - even divorces. 

The saddest part of this isn’t the stats. It’s the fact that these stats are greatly in favour of pointing the finger away from us and blaming something else - in this case social networking tools. That finger should be pointing directly at us and our reliance on game playing.

In my instance, the biggest problem wasn’t that this man was yet to be divorced (although that was a major fault), nor was it Facebook for revealing a previously secret part of his life. The problem was that neither of us were telling the truth.

His truth: he wasn’t waiting on divorce papers and his wife, whom he claimed to be separated from, was very pregnant with his child. 

My truth? Something didn’t feel right. I kept asking him when the papers would come and how he was feeling. I often asked if he wanted to continue with our relationship. He always provided a soothing answer, but my gut feeling never changed. I didn’t ask again the next day simply because it was too soon to ask, not because I felt confident. I wasn’t listening to my inner truth.

No more games. Welcome to the age of truth. It’s here, it’s now and it’s long overdue. This is the age when we’re called to tell our truth… or else we’re revealed. 

To be clear, I’m not promoting that we no longer have any privacy in our lives. There are definitely moments and situations that should remain private. I’m saying this: It’s time to hold integrity. Mean what you say. Practice what you preach.

We’re going to see a lot of individuals make mistakes as this age progresses: what it means to be human, faults and all, will be clearly examined and magnified. It will continue to challenge our beliefs, judgements and ability to forgive. We’ll be presented with many opinions and facts surrounding the mistakes - enough to overwhelm. Heads will spin and we’ll be left with only one question to answer: What’s my truth?

If we have nothing to hide, this won’t be scary. If we’re honest, transparent and hold our integrity, this age of truth is no longer intimidating. Instead, it becomes an absolute blessing. 

Telling the truth calls us to live consciously and to make conscious decisions. It asks us to be aware and deeply in touch with our inner feelings (gut feelings baby!). As soon as we’re aware, we can act on what our heart is saying. 

Consider social networking and the Internet a reminder to tell the truth. Consider them a tool for your spiritual practice that acts as a reminder to follow your heart and practice what you preach. Don’t fake it… or else.

Nothing and Something

Do you ever have a moment where you wish for a whole lot of nothing?

Maybe it’s a time where you’re really busy and ooooh, that whole lot of nothing would do some good. Then you sit, and really think, maybe even meditate… on nothing.

Then the thought of nothing, absolutely nothing, is awesomely peaceful… but at the same time, somehow, awesomely frightening.

So then a little part of you wants a little less nothing. Maybe even a little something.

But that doesn’t feel totally right - you just wanted nothing and now you want something. Can you have both at the same time? Please? You start wanting the nothing to be something. Something tangible. But then again, it wouldn’t be nothing.

And then you realize… ah hah!

Nothing

is

something.

Do you ever have that moment?

Fall Like a Human

He fell. He fell hard.

This someone might have been a largely popular teacher of one of North America’s fastest growing schools of Hatha yoga. But it wasn’t so much a physical fall as it was an ethical spill, if you will. Actually, it seems he may have face planted straight into a sidewalk made of morals. My hope is that he’s currently in the intensive care unit of his own consciousness, retreating to treat the root cause of the spill.

(Image info)

Here’s something I found interesting: 

It didn’t surprise me.

Not because I expected this of him by any means. I just understood that he was human and human’s make mistakes. Even though I had often seen him on a stage positioned higher than others, I knew better than to hold him on a pedestal and expect perfection. I knew better than to call him “guru.” I knew he was smart and created a brilliant method that I would fall in love with and use to help others, but somehow I knew not to fall in love with the man himself. It’s the method that stole my heart and changed my life. It’s the method that continues to change the lives of my students.

What did surprise me however, is some of the reactions from the Kula (community in Sanskrit). It’s the Kula that I held in high regard thinking if anyone would know how to deal with this gracefully, the yoga Kula would. I stood confidently, watching and waiting for the storm to reside and the dust to settle in new places. Just as my yoga taught me to, I paused. I breathed.

But a new storm took force, one that I didn’t expect. Some 'yogi’s’ came forward, lacking information yet full of judgement and anger - it started to look like a crucifixion. Now this gossip has taken over my Facebook and Twitter feeds and in turn, my head. 

I can’t stop thinking about it.

So what went wrong? Why are so many people shocked, surprised and down right hurt by learning he screwed up? 

High expectations can be poison. When we expect something great and it doesn’t turn out great, we’re disappointed. Expect perfection or anything close, and you won’t get it. Expect a God-like performance by a human and it’s bound to fail. Expect a perfect teacher and you won’t find it. Expect a perfect Kula… I can’t find it either.

I’ve started to wonder if our leadership expectations have been set by prior stories of leaders such as Jesus and Buddha. (I’m by no means comparing this yoga teacher to either Jesus or Buddha, I’m comparing the position as a leader.) There are very few stories about how these previous leaders made human mistakes, yet, they were both clearly human and with humanity, comes imperfection. It seems only the best, “God-like” stories survive and are shared most often. It’s our habit to create an idol out of someone who’s candor and brilliance wow’s us, but that idol and model of leadership is imperfect and always will be.

Perfect imperfection.  

We needed this. I needed this.

The teacher is completely and utterly perfect in his imperfections. As a leader, his fall is a lesson for anyone listening: it’s a reminder of what it means to be human. My envisioned perfect Kula, revealed to me as no longer perfect, is also made of humans. 

Revealed is another word that makes my head spin around this topic: should our private lives really be so public? I’m not sure, but I do know that if I’m telling the truth in all aspects of my life, it wouldn’t matter if people knew everything about me. In an effort to always be upfront and open I can’t think of anything I have to hide from my students… or anyone for that matter. Nothing needs to be secretive, for me. It doesn’t mean I’m perfect - I just have nothing to hide. Sure, some things I might find embarrassing, but they’re no secret.

My guess is that we’re still trying to ethically catch up with the technology of the Internet and what it means to have our personal lives reflected in our public lives. With everything public it’s clearly revealed that we all make mistakes. Moving on from that fact, can we learn to embrace our mistakes as part of the gift of being human? The gift of our life? 

“…the humanexperience is the point of having been born human. You are the point the universe has decided to make. Own that experience, receive that as the gift, never stop wanting to become more human: that is divine.” Douglas Brooks

There’s a whole lot more to this, but for now, I’m still working the rest out in my head.

The Purpose of Life

“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”  - Dr. Suess

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the purpose of life. In the shower one morning, I asked my husband randomly “what do you live for?”. At first he wasn’t sure whether to answer “you baby… of course” or whether to really give it some thought. 

I gave the question some time and a lot of thought. I came up with many answers, but none felt like the answer to the reason I go on. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not questioning my reason to live. I’m questioning life in general.

What if it’s all very simple? We’re really good at making things difficult and adding layers that are hard to remove. Myself included. We like to think, rethink and “what if” over and over again, missing out on any simple answers.

Then I came up with this:

What if the purpose of life…is to enjoy? 

That simple. No layers, no over thinking - just enjoyment. 

I like it when things are that simple.

So I tried it out. I ran the idea through some different belief systems to see if I could rationalize it further.

If God created us, and we were enjoying life, he’d be enjoying it too. You see, it’s hard to watch someone in pure enjoyment without feeling a sense of enjoyment yourself. And if God is within us, he’d be feeling our enjoyment. He’d know exactly what an embodied smile felt like, and how it sweetly hurts if the smile stays for awhile.

The Dalai Lama and Tibetan Buddhism say the purpose of life is to seek happiness. To eliminate things from your life that do not bring lasting joy. So it’s not about being a selfish ass who goes around enjoying life by messing up others - that’s not lasting joy. Many studies have proven that the basis of human emotion is compassion and if we’re not being compassionate we’re eventually met with some pretty awful feelings.

I also think there’s a lot of misconception about how to truly enjoy. I’m totally guilty of often thinking I need more to enjoy more, but it’s not true. I mean sure, if I were cold, stuck outside and it was raining, I wouldn’t be enjoying. The idea of warmth, dryness and shelter automatically bring me into a better state of enjoyment. But I think that acquiring a lot of stuff only brings temporary pleasure - not lasting enjoyment. I mean… I won’t be saying “Damn I’m so glad I bought that pair of hot shoes” on my death bed.

Is avoiding things we don’t want to encouncter something that brings lasting enjoyment? Not for me. It’s important to evolve by engaging with things just as they are and offering ourselves the fullness of the moment. In this way I can say I gave it my all, my 100%. Without that I’m always feeling like I coulda/shoulda/woulda done better.

I like to ask myself, what truly serves me in finding lasting enjoyment? Whatever my answer, I follow that path towards accomplishing. It’s a path that serves my life purpose. It’s life affirming.

What brings you lasting enjoyment?

Morning yoga team

When I wake up to practice, it starts out something like this:

Then Brooklyn, my 12 year old dog, gets really into the idea of me being close to the floor with him. He starts to get closer:

And more curious:

Then he wants to hang out close by:

And gets involved by acting as a bolster for some poses:

He fills my practice with sweetness.

Fooling Nobody

Fooling Nobody. 1968.

I found this picture years ago in a book titled The Secret Art of Dr. Suess and it’s been hanging at my desk as inspiration ever since.

You see, I’m on a journey to be real.

To keep it real.

To tell the truth.

It turns out, telling the truth is hardest when I have to tell it to myself.

This is an online journal where my truth telling has the potential to be public (if someone other than me reads this, then it’s public). When I tell the truth to someone other than myself, I’m held to it. I like that. I like being called on my shit - it’s one of the reasons I have a life coach and also one of the reasons I practice yoga. 

They’re revealing. 

Layers peel away at times with ease, and other times with work. 

It took me years to uncover that the vision I had of myself as an Advertising Executive wasn’t one that I wanted. I had convinced myself however, for 10 years, that that was my path. I was going to make great ads, crack the toughest briefs, and that I would find it fulfilling. The idea of that being a lie scared me. Sure I made decent coin but I went home miserable 5 out of 7 days a week (on a good week). I was fearful to go on and live a life doing something I no longer wanted. I was fearful that I had wasted the past 10 years. I was fearful of change, because I didn’t know what was next. 

But when I opened to the truth, I knew I couldn’t stay. I found my new path only by telling the truth again and again.

This new path is moving in the right direction - I don’t just believe it, I feel it. It wasn’t wrong before, but it also wasn’t life affirming. 

I look forward to what’s ahead and what might kick dust up next. My path carries no promise of a destination; things are constantly changing, unfolding, enfolding and evolving.

I’ve come to terms with not knowing the way, or finding mastery (in most cases). Instead, I like to think it’s about finding an edge. A place where I can keep it real a whole lot easier and in turn, follow my heart’s desires. This place encourages me to embody consciousness a little deeper every day.

I no longer want to fool anyone, including myself.

Who are you fooling?