Tonight's gift from the sidewalk:
9.5 weeks old.
The truth of this week is that the postpartum monster has bit me and damn it, I'm not immune. The heat wave has us indoors more than I'd like and she caught her first cold (don't even get me started on the heartbreak of her first cold!) - bringing the lack of sleep to a whole new level.
These moments, this Mothering, is a complete identity shift. I'm redefining myself (or she's redefining me) and I HAVE TO LET GO of certain things... And I'm grieving them. There is death in this Mothering process and it's uncomfortable. I'm watching it with curiosity, seeing what parts of me I'm attached to and others I can more willingly let go of. Sometimes there's relief but sometimes there's a whole lot of tears. A wise friend recently said to me: "Motherhood is the most joy and the most shit (literally) all balled up together."
Yup.
So here we go, approaching amother (another) new day as a new me. She's pretty new too so we understand each other on that front. And then, she gifts me moments like this one that remind me we're going to be just fine.
8 weeks and 5 days old.
8 weeks and 5 days old. Imagine you could start over. From scratch. And feel, live and teach the biggest love, the most compassion, and a way of living that considers not just yourself, but everyone and everything around you. It feels sorta like a second chance... But this time it really matters. That's what Motherhood feels like.
6.5 weeks old
I’m seeing a whole new Universe - one where she’s front and centre and we’re just in the background as support. So much of the ‘me’ that I know has been (and still is) falling away, yet so much is emerging. Who am I anyways?!
“If you prefer smoke over fire
then get up now and leave.
For I do not intend to perfume
your mind’s clothing
with more sooty knowledge.No, I have something else in mind.
Today I hold a flame in my left hand
and a sword in my right.
There will be no damage control today.For God is in a mood
to plunder your riches and
fling you nakedly
into such breathtaking poverty
that all that will be left of you
will be a tendency to shine.So don’t just sit around this flame
choking on your mind.
For this is no campfire song
to mindlessly mantra yourself to sleep with.Jump now into the space
between thoughts
and exit this dream
before I burn the damn place down.”
Adyashanti
“All of the forms disappear into the lake of emptiness, and yet they are not lost. It’s at the edge of the lake that someone whose path is the path of the heart will say, “I am experiencing the presence of God,” for one more step into the lake and the experiencer and the experience have merged, and we have become God, and the concept of God is long gone.”
-Ram Dass
