Bless This Journey

...And then I was pregnant.

Suddenly everything around me was part of creating a new life. A life I would love very much. A life that needed protection and nourishment. Every single piece of me and my world was going into this creation and all of a sudden, as if I woke up out of a dream, I saw things very differently.

...And then I birthed.

A whirlwind of power took over my body and connected me instantly to all the women who birthed before. I felt this world (the one I stand on with my barefeet), and another world (a deeply familiar, yet seemingly far away place that only my spirit could access), come together under the light in my bedroom. This power, this force, was so great that I saw both death and birth combine in the same moment.

...And then I became a Mother.

Nothing has reflected my humanness so deeply. Some days all I see are my flaws and I keep trying to polish that damned mirror so I can hide them from her. But I know she needs to see them and I know she needs to see me love them, because she’ll have 'flaws' too.

And then some days, I see just how great I’m doing. The power of love has opened and shifted so many of the stories I no longer need. 

Heart Walking

I'm aware that I now post baby pics all the time. Completely aware. It might be temporary. It might not.

The thing is, this is what I do every waking second. And sometimes the sleep filled ones too. What you may not understand (or maybe you do), is that this little being came from afar and manifested herself inside me. Inside! My blood, my cells, my breath and my thoughts have all created her. And yes this story is as old as time, and you've heard it all before... but the feelings that go along with this gift are the hardest to explain. My heart is hers.

And now she's here, with her hand on my heart as if to say she understands. 
She's learning to be human and waking me the eff up (in many ways) as we move (and sometimes trip) along this path together.

"Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." E. Stone

9.5 weeks old.

The truth of this week is that the ‪postpartum‬ ‪‎monster‬ has bit me and damn it, I'm not immune. The heat wave has us indoors more than I'd like and she caught her first cold (don't even get me started on the ‪‎heartbreak‬ of her first cold!) - bringing the lack of sleep to a whole new level.

These moments, this Mothering, is a complete identity shift. I'm redefining myself (or she's redefining me) and I HAVE TO LET GO of certain things... And I'm grieving them. There is death in this ‪‎Mothering‬ process and it's uncomfortable. I'm watching it with curiosity, seeing what parts of me I'm attached to and others I can more willingly let go of. Sometimes there's relief but sometimes there's a whole lot of tears. A wise friend recently said to me: "‪Motherhood‬ is the most ‪joy‬ and the most shit (literally) all balled up together."

Yup.

So here we go, approaching amother (another) new day as a new me. She's pretty new too so we understand each other on that front. And then, she gifts me ‪‎moments‬ like this one that remind me we're going to be just fine. 

8 weeks and 5 days old.

8 weeks and 5 days old. Imagine you could start over. From scratch. And feel, live and teach the biggest love, the most compassion, and a way of living that considers not just yourself, but everyone and everything around you. It feels sorta like a second chance... But this time it really matters. That's what Motherhood feels like.